The Breakup Song

the one good thing about 'La La Land'

I had just spent an hour in his car in the alley behind my apartment. We were breaking up. Time frozen, we untangled the mess of miscommunication that had gotten us to this point: His insistence that he didn’t want to date me, and my insistence that all of his actions proved otherwise. 

I walked up the five flights of stairs to my tiny studio apartment and flung myself onto my bed. I was exhausted, I was crying, and I had to get up at 5:30 a.m. for work. I wanted to play a song and feel my feelings and cry it out, but I didn’t want this night to be tied to any specific song. I hated the way that previous songs had been ruined by listening to them too much while crying about some stupid dude. 

What I settled on was “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” from La La Land. 

I played this song on repeat until I had cried out all my tears. “Here’s to the hearts that break.” Yep, that’s me! “Here’s to the mess we make.” Whew, yes! The structure and composition of this song, from the slow build to the over-the-top emotional chorus, make it an absolutely perfect song to listen to when you are in the depths of post-breakup angst. When you feel simultaneously like love is a lie and also like you want it more desperately than you ever did before. 

The reason why this song is perfect for my breakups is because I will never listen to it outside of that scenario. I did not enjoy La La Land and I have no memories associated with it besides my friend and I briefly re-enacting the key plot points on Oscars night for another friend who hadn’t seen it. (Which, speaking of, REMEMBER THAT OSCARS NIGHT?) I don’t have any strong feelings about this song, besides the ones that I’ve cried through while listening to it. It’s simply a tool for channeling my own heartbreak. 

You might be thinking but Hayley, haven’t you created some sort of uber-powerful monster song that upon listening will throw you back into the pit of despair? Funnily enough, no. This song is a magical key that unlocks the doorway to sadness only when I am back in the same sad place. 

If I listen to this song outside of a breakup, I am flooded with memories of who I used to be. I remember the girl crying at the bus stop about the guy who lied to her. I remember the girl crying in her bedroom after being ghosted by a guy she genuinely liked. I remember the girl riding the Brown Line on loop after a particularly bad date and wondering how much more she could take. This song draws a circle around all these different versions of myself and hugs them closer.

I feel a strange sense of peace when I listen to this song outside of a breakup, because I can tangibly feel how much I have grown in the past three years. It lets me have compassion for who I was and the kinds of men I used to date, rather than be frustrated or upset with myself for not figuring things out sooner. It’s a little heartbreak time capsule. 

“A bit of madness is key

to give us new colors to see.” 

(id: still of Emma Stone singing “Audition (The Fools Who Dream”) in La La Land)